Read the Fine Print

Anne Hill, identified as "Dream Talk Radio host" by the Huffington Post, instructs us to dream our way to success in 2010 by going for what makes us happy in dreams.

At first it seemed she was advising us to pay attention to our dreams and pursue them in our waking lives. As if we were Old Testament prophets carrying out instructions whispered into our ears while we sleep by YHWH Himself.

Reading further it became clear she intends for us to go for it while dreaming.

This is a relief, because I've tried it the first way, and the results were somewhat disastrous.

Click here for the details, as I shared them on the 2007 public radio series Stories from the Heart of the Land.

A Huge Loss

This is the time of year when the andante from Haydn's trumpet concerto starts playing in my head. Haydn did not write the piece for Christmas, but this association was forged for me during the years I spent as a weekend announcer at WSBS in Great Barrington, Mass. Year after year, as the holidays approached, the station ran an ad for a holiday special at the historic 1780 Egremont Inn - which was destroyed in a fire overnight.

Christmas 2005

I used to concoct excuses to return to college a few days before the semester started because I loved having the campus to myself and feeling like I owned the place. This morning I drove through the empty streets of Stockbridge—the same streets I've cursed on summer days, when crowds and traffic can slow things down so bad it's better to stay home rather than allot an extra hour just to get through town—and I wondered maybe things had gone too far. My wish had been granted and I wasn't happy about it. This was how Burgess Meredith felt when he broke his glasses on The Twilight Zone.

Maybe it was a mistake to leave that city populated with so many non-Christian immigrants, where there is not only easy access to my favorite tradition of Chinese food and a movie but also the need to fend off the countless Gentiles who have become hip to the joys of Jewish Christmas.

So a special holiday greeting goes out to the Elm St. market, which I avoid other days of the year because just inhaling the margarine on the grill brings on dark visions of clutching my chest and getting rushed to the emergency room. They were there for me on this most important of days, the fortnightly occasion when the Times publishes an Acrostic by Emily Cox & Henry Rathvon. Crosswords can be done on the computer as a last resort, but these gems require the magazine itself. And today's looks like it'll be a killer.

Day Two of “America Held Hostage”

Rumor has it a press strike is keeping the Times from finding its rightful spot at Homer’s Variety (and the entire region, for that matter) two days in a row now. I am, of course, unable to verify this tip because I can’t buy the newspaper and there’s simply no other way to get the information. Can anyone out there tell me how else to find out?

No, don’t. That was just a little joke for the benefit of those who still believe I don’t have this whole internets thing figured out yet.

A helpful friend asks if doing the puzzle on newsprint is that much better than printing out the Across Lite file. [Note to those outside the tribe: Across Lite is the software that allows us to solve the crossword puzzle on a computer.] When I went on to explain that I have an irrational, costly, old-fashioned desire to possess the daily paper and complete the puzzle printed therein as God intended it, said friend came up with a truly brilliant solution: “Well, you could buy newsprint paper and print the puzzle on that and paste it over a puzzle in an old newspaper…”

One quibble with “Beer festival mo.”=OCT. What about the fact that Oktoberfest is actually held in September? (I’ve always believed this is a by-product of the conversion from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar, although that theory suddenly seems a little suspicious, because that same calendrical conversion is the reason why the October Revolution is now commemorated in November. October either becomes September or November, but you can’t have it both ways, can you? Since the adoption of the Gregorian calendar required losing 13 days, I’m beginning to think that means it really can’t have anything to do with why Germans get drunk a month earlier than they’re supposed to. Okay, folks, this adds yet another question to the mix: what is the real reason for premature Oktoberfest? The need for instant gratification?)

But really, the pressing question of the week remains unsatisfyingly answered: what qualities make the New York Times puzzle so superior? (Where’s Francis when you need him?) Don’t force me to resort to lame prizes. Here, let me prime the pump a little more. I think it has almost nothing to do with how hard they are, since the New York Sun puzzles are equally challenging, yet, to my taste, seem difficult for the sake of difficulty and tend to produce fewer Ah! experiences (as opposed to Aha! experiences).

The Next Best Thing Officially Goes Interactive. Have At It.

Morning routine: en route to favorite coffee place where they use the steamed milk to draw fern leaves right into your latte, stop off at Homer’s Variety to pick up—what, no Times?

Nice lady behind counter: “There’s only one distributor for the whole area. You’d have to go to Hartford to get one.”

Can she tell by looking at my face that I’m considering doing just that?

“It’s a Monday anyway. It’d be too easy.”

I know, but you don’t understand. Just because it’s too easy doesn’t exempt me from having to do it.

“You could go to the library and do it online.”

No, that’s the thing. I already pay the $34.95 per year for the online puzzle, even though I prefer to solve it on newsprint. For that luxury I pay a dollar a day Monday through Saturday, plus $3.50 on Sundays, so that’s—WHAT?—$494 a year just for the fucking Times puzzle? Let’s see what the Berkshire Eagle has to offer.

Oh right. This is why I shell out the dough.

To be honest, I haven’t done enough crosswords syndicated by the Chicago Tribune to know if today’s is a representative sample or not, but this was just so—perfunctory.

The single Ah! Moment (not to be confused with an Aha! moment) came with 43A: “Sink” or “swim” = VERB—although I'd like to think the Times would have had the courage to leave out the scare quotes.

It makes you realize that constructing a good puzzle requires a whole lot more than just saying, “Oh look, here is a collection of words that fit together.”

Which brings me to a question that has nagged me for a long time: just exactly what is it that makes the New York Times puzzle so superior? This is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know.

Let me get you started by saying what I think is a small part of the answer: it’s smart, it’s fresh, and often has what people in the biz call “lively fill.” But is that all it takes to make a crossword good? Let me also say that, for me, anyway, it's rarely the theme that makes a puzzle satisfying. There's usually something else going on. Something mysterious. Tell me what it is.

You'll Find the Castles of Spain/Through Your Windowpane/Back in Your Own Backyard

And the occasional black bear, too.

I'll Have What He's Having

Dipping my toe back in after a month of radio silence occasioned by two things: 1) sometimes there just isn't anything interesting to say, and 2) there are lots of chores to do before the cold weather comes. And one of those chores turned into an inadvertent home science experiment. In case you had run out of hooch and were considering a swig of that Deck Wash you've got stored in the shed, you should know that this is what happens when you leave your brush in a bucket of the stuff for two days. Probably doesn't make the best skin conditioner, either.